'lil wonder guru

Being a parent has taught me so so many things, a truly wonderful experience. I have my most recent lesson and I think this is to good to be kept for myself, hence here is the story, a true story I mean.

Once upon a time... oooops.. :p I mean the other day I was very upset with my hubby, he did something wrong to me and my tired body added the anger feeling to the situation. One thing about my lovely husband is, he always apologies whenever he feels sorry for he's wrong doing, but I was not willing to forgive him (yet). Instead of solving the problem between us, I accidentally threw my disappointment to my 'lil angel when I saw her playing with her water, spilled it on the table.

All of sudden her happy face disappeared and I regretted my action as soon as I saw her, the way she looked at me that torn my heart into pieces, as if she was saying "why are you angry mama? why do you yell at me? i played like this before and you were always only telling me not to, but why this time you hate me for that, mama? i don't understand... i'm scared mama... your voice is so angry and loud. i'm sorry". She stood still and looked at me in the eyes for a minute or two until i grabbed her to tell her "oh Nicole, mama sorry ya... nicole jangan mainan air ya, mama sorry ya bentak bentak Nicole, maafin mama ya.." and she cried.

I cried too.

Then she stopped. Looked at me in the eye again.

Still silent...

Then, she hugged me, pated my back and gave me a love gesture (sayang, elus-elus kepala mama), and kissed me as if she was saying "i forgive you mama, shh shh stop crying, don't worry mama, i forgive you."

What a wonderful feeling... what a relief...

My little girl taught me how to forgive! She's only 19 months and barely can speak yet but her true heart is gold. Thank you Nicole, for giving me a good lesson in life. To forgive unconditionally. She let me experienced the most beautiful feeling of being forgiven.

I forgive Arie right away. I was ashamed, I suddenly remember the prayer that has been devoted everyday in my whole life... our Father, who art in heaven...

Hallowed be Thy Name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Have you ever wonder, how would you feel if you are not being forgiven by someone you care so much one day? your spouse, your family member, your siblings, your dear friends and even worst, your children? I could not imagine how terrible that would be.

Just forgive, without any other expectations, that's love.

When We Spent Way Tooo Much Time GARDENING

I really can't decide what title should I put in for this posting, it's really one of the best experience after we (Arie and I) saw so many milestones of our baby daughter Nicole. The truth was, we are a proud parents, and the reason i decided not to put "I am a proud mom" as the title was only because it sounds cocky and too common title.

It happened couple days ago when we went shopping stuff for our garden and I was after a patio (window) pot. While we were looking at the display rack, our little one got busy by helself. She took 1 set contains of 3 small rounded pots from the middle rack and then moved it to the planting section where they sell small plants and filled the empty pots with those plats! I wonder how did she gets that idea from, Arie said she must have been saw us gardening ( a lot). People were watching this amazing little action as surprised as we were, she's only 18 months! Well, at the end she did 7 pots all together and we have had to stop her otherwise she could go on for the whole day.

Luckily I still got the chance to record the video, here it is... enjoy!

moo vs mii

I was always wondering why all the nurse, dietician, pediatrician recommended to give cow's milk instead of formula for toddler. As always I forgot to ask the reason whenever I saw them face-to-face. Maybe because I've always have bigger issues to be discussed with them. So I began my research on the internet, and oh yes - I love forum and blogs of parents. It feels soo real and the opinions are based on real experiences.

Here is my summary:

* Cow's milk has all the nutrition needed for 12-24 old and is cheaper (?) I need to compare their prices.

* Cow's milk is easier to get when you are out and about (you don't have to carry milk dispenser for the formula powder) - and even better if your toddler can drink from the cup or using straw, you don't need to carry any bottle too.

* Cow's milk is a good to be given after breastfed so you don't have to wean from formula to cow's milk later on - eventually they would have to give up formula and have the cow's milk.

* Formula is quite high on sugar so most nutritionist don't like them at all.

* Formula is good to be given for baby (above 12 mos) as some has problem to digest cow's milk. Or baby with allergic history.

I will add up if I find more facts about this, in the meantime, here is a very good article about cow's milk and formula:

(retrieved from http://www.mumzone.com.au/breastfeeding/which-milk-for-toddlers-toddler-formula-vs-cows-milk/ on monday 28 February 2011, 1:06am)

Which Milk for Toddlers? Toddler Formula vs Cows Milk

By Lorraine Cuadro

Recently I have done a fair bit of research into which milk is best for toddlers as many mums seem to be concerned about whether their little ones should be drinking cows milk, low fat milk or toddler formula beyond their first birthday.

The World Health Organisation recommends exclusive breastfeeding for a baby’s first 6 months and for breastfeeding to continue until at least 2 years of age. So I guess if you’re breastfeeding your toddler then the formula verses cow’s milk issue isn’t relevant to you, that’s one less thing to worry about, YAY!

The Australian manufacturers and importers of infant formula have entered into a voluntary agreement that adheres to the principles of the World Health Organisation’s International Code of Marketing of Breast Milk Substitutes. Basically the code and the agreement prevent formula for babies 12 months and under to be advertised in Australia. The reason for this agreement and its advertising restrictions is to protect breastfeeding.

However, these restrictions do not apply to toddler and follow on formulas. So by labelling toddler formulas as "gold" or "formula", marketing companies are able to advertise baby formula simply by association. This may be one of the reasons for such heavy advertising of toddler formulas.

Bellinda Kontominas a Medical Reporter for the Sydney Morning Herald (06/09/07) quotes a Sydney paediatrician Dr Patricia McVeagh as she said "Unfortunately the advertising preys on parents’ vulnerability… Nutritionally there is no need for toddler milk in healthy kids, and it’s much better to have 600 millilitres of cow’s milk or a cow’s milk product like cheese or yoghurt."

And while many nutritionists will tell you that formula is the equivalent of junk food, I guess to be fair it does have its place. It can supplement the diet of fussy eaters and children that could be missing out on iron and calcium due to their restricted diets. And while there are other ways to combat fussiness there are times when real life takes over and the demands of work, other children, partners etc can make toddler formulas convenient.

The president of the Australian Lactation Consultants Association, Gwen Moody, said food should replace milk as the main source of energy during a child’s second year. "Mothers buy the formula and they also give their child cow’s milk… so either the child doesn’t eat because they’re not hungry, or they do eat, which can lead to weight gain." This is another point to keep in mind if you find that your child is not eating.

During my research I was surprised to find that it has been recommended in the National Dietary Guidelines for Children and Adolescents that all children in Australia over the age of 2 years consume reduced-fat milk. This is because the saturated fats in full fat milk accumulate in the arteries over time increasing the risk of heart disease, and that the reduced-fat milk varieties generally contain more calcium than the full fat milks.

Toddlers between the ages of 12 - 24 months however do need the full fat milks and while soy milk shouldn’t be offered to babies under 12 months, toddlers over 2 years with a lactose intolerance can be offered soy milk that contains added calcium.

So the end of the day keeping things simple is usually the best way to go. Cows milk is great for toddlers, it contains everything they need to grow healthy and strong. It’s cheaper than formula, easily available if you’re out, it’s great on cereal and it’s something you wont have to wean your toddler off as they get older. So why complicate things by using toddler formula if you don’t have to?

Benjol

Suatu pagi yang dingin di musim panas, rasanya beraaat sekali untuk membuka mata ini. Sementara Nicole kecil sudah sibuk berkeliaran kemana-mana dengan mata terbuka lebar. Karena kasihan dan juga 'dimarahin' Nicole karena gue tidur terus, gue bawa dia ke ruang mainnya, nyalain tv dengan acara anak-anak dan gue kembali ke sofa...

..... gue duduk di sofa, ngeliatin Nicole main sendiri......

....pagi amat sih ni anak bangun hari ini, masih jam 6 pagi nih, berarti gue baru tidur 4 jam karena semalem gue nonton dvd sama arie sampe larut....

DUK!!!!!

Tiba-tiba kepala gue cenut-cenut... gue buka mata gue... disisi gue ada makhluk kecil yang sedang tersenyum maniiiis sekali sambil memegang palu mainannya!

Yah ampuuun ternyata dia yang memukul kepala gue!!! dan dia pikir itu sesuatu yang lucu...

Gue bilang "no Nicole, ga boleh pukul mama!" dia masih nyengir

akhirnya gue pura-pura nangis... lalu dia mulai menunjukkan ekspresi prihatin, dan keluarlah air mata buayanya soalnya dia cuma ikutan nagis kurang dari semenit trus kabur main lagi sama mainannya.... yah elaaah...

Totally Amazing Talent!

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MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celeb - Collage - Morph

Valentine?

When people ask what do I do on valentine's day, I always have trouble in finding the answer. Haaa... any answer seems like a wrong one to me, because the truth is... I don't celebrate valentine. Not that I'm being cynical about the idea of sharing the love on that special day but I don't feel the necessity of that celebration. It's not that something worth to celebrate in my opinion simply because i don't feel IT, unlike christmas or easter or anniversary or birthday that always have special meaning to me, the occasions that I could really FEEL that I owned it, being part of it.

Let me put it this way, I can't feel a sudden love on valentine's day. I feel love everyday -sounds cliche I know, but that's the truth -and I don't feel more or less love on valentine's day, I just couldn't. No matter how many flowers that I got, how nice the valentine card is, I still couldn't feel the different to any other day.

In comparison to those occasions I mentioned earlier, I don't need anything to make them loved. I don't even need any christmas present and still I will sing the merriest song all day long.

So one day I decided not to celebrate valentine's day for one simple reason, because I can't feel it.

Shoe ON!

What a proud mama I am!

At 16 months Nic has succeed to put the right shoe on her foot all by herself!

I went out from my study room and found her sat on the floor, busy doing something. At first i could only saw her back and I thought she found some food dropped on the floor or even worse- dirt. I hurried come to her to try to prevent whatever she's holding to get into her mouth. As I approached her, i was really surprised to see what i saw... Nicole with her shoe ON! My eyes quickly search for Arie - spontaneously. Shortly after i could not find Arie in the room (he was mowing the lawn outside), i felt quite bad for not having confidence in Nic, who thought an 16 mos child can put her shoe on by herself? The right shoe to the right foot. I'm amazed truly. Well done Nicole!

Ernie in The Shoe

People say picture could describe a thousand words, so i'm going to put up some pictures to show how hard i've work to keep the house tidy.

Well, you could use a bit of your imaginations to picture the rest of the rooms of course, because i just gonna show one tiny part of it. I couldn't bear to take a picture of "kapal pecah" - indo slang for huge mess.

As a truly Indonesian who has been trained to look at the bright side of everything like we all always say - for example "lucky it didn't hit you (although the rock has broke your window that would cost you big ticket)", so naturally i will try to find that bright side of Nicole's mess, and guess what? I found it! it did make me laugh at least...

When i watched her playing with it, she actually used her shoe as Ernie's ride! What a cute lil imagination we have here! Maybe Nic will be come a creative person when she grow up later.

Sincia Fever

Tonight will be Chinese new year eve and right now I'm sitting alone in front of my powerbook, accompanied by my belgian chocolate mousse, enjoying my quiet time - of course my lil princess is asleep. Everything is ready. I'm not those kind a person who believes in myth, but it just feels right to prepare the house for a special celebration. So all the dirty laundry are washed, carpet vacuumed, wooden floor mopped, everything is tidy and neat, ready for tonight. Quite impressed to myself for doing all the house works in the hottest days in the year - yup, yesterday was 43C degree, i think today a bit (tiny bit) cooler than yesterday.

All of sudden, i feel something is missing deep down in my heart. A feeling that i've never experienced before. It feels like you have a vintage radio that could never play the right song anymore, you still love it, you can touch it, but you has lost its soul... funny how I described how much i miss my ama. She's 91 years old, physically healthy but unfortunately her mind has reached her senior moments. With her increasing senility i barely know how is she doing nor feel the connection between us anymore. She's there, she laughed, she sleeps, she can do anything except having a good conversation with me just like the old time...

Ama is there, but she's not there.

It's tough in the time like this having to live far away from your family and relatives. I really miss my ama... i miss talking to her, i miss laughing with her, i miss being scolded by her, oh i miss you soo much ama...

Teardrops falling from my eyes.

I hope you can still feel my love to you. I love you ama.

Bahasa Indonesia vs English

Dari dulu gue coba nulis pake bahasa indonesia, tapi entah kenapa kalo gue yang nulis dan gue baca lagi, rasanya aneh banget. Mungkin karena keseringan bikin paper waktu kuliah mass comm di Nanyang dulu, atau emang engga bakat jadi penulis. Tapi gue pengen nulis, lho? hehehe yah gitu deh gara-gara waktu mudanya sering nontonin sex and the city jadi terinspirasi sama Carrie Bradshaw. Doooh...

Sebenernya gue nulis pake bahasa Indonesia ada maksudnya, yaitu supaya nyokap gue bacanya gampang, tapi engga efek tuh, kayaknya engga dibaca juga sama si mama. Mubazir deh. Tapi ada tujuan lain sih, siapa tau aja nanti kalo Nic udah gede dia mau baca tulisan mamanya, jadi melatih dia belajar bahasa Indonesia, walaupun bukan yang baik dan benar sesuai EYD. Masih berlaku gak yah tuh EYD, ejaan bahasa indonesia yang disempurnakan... cieeehhh..... gue masih inget aja.

Sebenernya ada beberapa hal yang lebih cocok diungkapkan dengan bahasa Indonesia dan ada yang rasanya lebih pas aja kalo pake bahasa Inggris. Jadi sudah gue putuskan untuk nulis pake bahasa tergantung mood gue... hehehe... terserah gue dong yah, namanya juga blog gue.... weee.

Tapi akan gue usahakan semaksimal mungkin untuk konsisten per topik jadi kalau misalnya kali ini gue udah pake bahasa indonesia, yang keseluruhannya akan bahasa indonesia, gak dicampur-campur bahasa inggris kayak gado-gado. Seperti yang udah gue lakin sebelum ini walau sebenernya gue engga suka.... yah maklum deh waktu itu kan masih bimbang... indo apa inggris yaaa... inggris apa indo yah.... ;)

The Beauty of Toddlerhood

Have you ever feel some annoying thing that is actually quite funny as long as you are not the victim of the act?

Yesterday i was really tired, maybe because it was Monday and i was lost my temper too because Nic wasn't in a good mood, so obviously I don't feel love as much as I normally have for her :p

But she didn't let that last for long when i found her shoe inside the refrigerator! It annoyed me to have an extra job to clean the dirt from the shoe's sole, but also on the other hand it i just can't hide my chuckle and be reminded of how cute she is and how i love her deeply.

Senasib Seperjuangan

I wonder how could i feel better to know some people has a same hump on their path as i do. Is it natural or just an evil side of me?

Belakangan ini Nic susah lagi makannya... masi untung dia udah engga ngemut makanan. Ya iyalaah ya, dokter gue juga udah bilang kalo siap-siap aja Nic bakalan ga pengen makan, dia sakit dan tenggorokannya merah bgt.

Tapi namanya jadi mama, susah aja rasanya ngeliat anaknya ga mau makan... jadi parno sendiri.

Alesannya takut dia tambah sakit kalo ga makan (boong banget!) padahal takut anaknya nanti kurus dan kalo kurus orang-orang bakalan mempertanyakan kredibilitas mamanya ngurus sang anak :(

Alhasil gue nyari-nyari artikel atau forum ibu-ibu di internet. Pas ngebaca kalo ini adalah suatu musim yang akan berlalu dan banyaaak banget ibu-ibu di seluruh dunia yang ngalamin hal yang sama bahkan lebih parah lagi, gue langsung berasa mendingan... mendingan loh, bukannya feel good. Jahat ga tuh? Engga dong ya, gue kan engga lantas jadi bahagia karena banyak anak yang makannya susah, gue cuma ngerasa lebih baik karena tau kalo Nic bukan anak yang aneh sendiri.

Setiap kali Nic makannya susah, emang musiman... kadang bisa gampang dan napsu banget, kadang bisa susah kayak sekarang, gue pasti stress. Stress + badan cape = marah-marah :(

PlayDough

Resep PLAYDOUGH nih :)

Ingredients
2 cups of plain flour
4 tablespoons of ‘cream of tartar’
2 tablespoons of cooking oil (or baby oil for a nicer smell)
1 cup of salt
2 cups of boiling water
Couple of drops of food colouring

Method
Pop everything in a bowl and mix, it’s that easy!

Storage: This playdough will keep in the fridge wrapped in cling wrap for weeks or until it gets all hairy and grubby!

Banana Bread

Hari ini bake banana cake, gara2 N saking senengnya sama ni makanan dan mamanya mau ngirit ga mau terus2an beli 1 slice harganya $3.50 sementara kalo bikin sendiri udah dapet seloyang... hehehe...

Moist and delicious banana bread is easy to make with this mum-tested recipe from Kidspot. It can easily be toasted to serve with butter or transformed into a gluten-free recipe by substituting the flour and baking powder for a gluten-free variety.

Serving Size:

Makes 10-12 slices

Special Info:

Lactose free, Nut free

Ingredients:

• 2 cups plain flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ½ cup caster sugar
• ½ cup brown sugar
• 2 eggs, lightly beaten
• 1/3 cup (80mL) oil
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 4 ripe bananas, mashed
• Butter and honey, to serve

Method:

Preheat the oven to 180°C. Grease and line the base of a loaf pan (mine is 11cm x 21cm).

Sift the flour, baking powder and cinnamon into a large bowl. Stir in the sugars. In a separate bowl, combine the eggs, oil and vanilla. Add to the dry ingredients with mashed banana and fold until just combined - do not overmix.

Place in the loaf pan and bake for 50 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the middle of the loaf comes out clean. Allow to cool for 10 minutes, then remove to a wire rack and slice thickly. Serve spread with butter and drizzled with honey.

Notes

• A great summer holiday treat. Banana bread is great for morning and afternoon teas, but my favourite is toasted slices with a coffee—cake for breakfast! Our sandwich press toasted its last sandwich a good few months ago and since receiving a sparkly new one for Christmas (thanks Dad and Lyn) we are finding excuses to toast everything.
• I make this gluten free using gluten free plain flour (eg Orgran or White wings) and gluten-free baking powder.
• Recipe created by Melissa Hughes for Kidspot.
  
  
  Chocolate Banana Bread

  Serving Size:

  10

  Ingredients:

  • 125g unsalted butter, softened
  • ½ cup caster sugar
  • ½ cup brown sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 4 small ripe bananas, mashed
  • 100g (3/4 cup) good-quality dark chocolate, chopped
  • 2 cups plain flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder

  Method:

  Preheat oven to 180°C. Butter a 19 x 11cm loaf tin and line with baking paper.

  Cream butter, then beat in sugars until pale and creamy.

  Add eggs one at a time, beating well between each addition.

  Add vanilla, then bananas, chocolate and sifted flour and baking powder.

  Mix until just combined.

  Pour into prepared pan and bake for 45-50 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the middle of the cake comes out clean.

  Cool in tin for 5 minutes, then turn onto a wire rack to cool. Serve in thick slices with butter. Yum.

  Notes:

  • Now that you don’t need to refinance your home to buy bananas, you probably have school-battered bananas coming home in lunch-boxes or moulding quietly in the fruit bowl, this is a fantastic use for them.

  • My child that flatly refuses banana smoothies is more than happy to eat a slice or two of this “cake with choc chips”.

  • I make this bread with my gluten-free flour and baking powder, nobody notices the difference and I get to enjoy it too!
  • Recipe created by Melissa Hughes for Kidspot.

Idealism VS Reality

Hmmm... memang hidup tuh menuntut kita untuk engga pernah berhenti belajar... salah satunya dengan punya anak. Kedengerannya gampang, hal yang biasa, oh si ini punya anak oh si itu anaknya 4, dsb. Ngejalaninnya yang ga biasa... hahaha...

Yah maklum deh, baru pertama kali jadi mama, dan bisa dibilang untuk kondisi seperti gue (dan Arie) yang hidup jauh dari keluarga, ga ada bantuan siapa2 buat ngurus anak (plus urusan rumah tangga), bukan tugas yang gampang. Kenapa gue pake istilah tidak mudah? karena dibilang sulit juga engga. nah bingung kan? Mari gue bikin tambah bingung... hehehe...

Kalo dipikir-pikir, sebagian besar orang di dunia ini kerja di suatu bidang karena punya pengetahuan di bidang itu, misalnya orang jadi arsitek karena dia sekolah dibidang tersebut. Ataupun misalnya banyak kan kejadian orang yang sekolahnya apaaa tapi kerjanya beda, nah biasanya orang-orang ini akan dapet training dulu karena bidang pekerjaannya berbeda dari pendidikannya. Tapiiii jadi orang tua, yang tanggung jawabnya paling besar dibandingkan pekerjaan apapun di dunia ini karena nyawa seorang manusia yang masih tidak berdaya ada di tangan kita dan jam kerjanya super long hours, alias 24 jam, engga ada tuh sekolah jurusan menjadi orang tua atau training untuk menjadi orang tua... lucu kali yah kalo ada titel sarjana pendidikan orang tua ideal... atau master of parenting skill.. hihihi... kenapa yaaa?

Jawabannya mungkin karena bidang pekerjaan yang satu ini tidak menghasilkan uang. :p atau, emang hal ini engga bisa dipelajari lewat pendidikan formal.

Contoh nyata.

Idealnya seorang anak usia 16 bulan makan 3 kali sehari, snack in between meals, minum susu sekitar 400ml.

Kenyataannya, kadang cuma mau makan 2 kali sehari tepi ngemilnya banyak banget dan minum susunya banyak, kadang makannya lahap banget tapi susunya seret.

Contoh lain.

Idealnya anak usia setahun sudah mulai jalan beberapa langkah.

Kenyataannya anak gue 10 bulan udah bisa jalan 5 langkah dan anak temen gue setahun aja belum bisa berdiri sendiri tanpa pegangan sesuatu.

Masih banyak banget contoh2 lainnya.

Hari ini gue bener2 menyadari untuk lebih santai dalam merawat anak. Gue kadang terlalu perfeksionis jadinya stress sendiri. Karena makin gede Nic makin pinter, dan gue ga bisa memaksakan kehendak gue sama dia, kalo gue paksa makan tapi dia lagi gak mood atau ga doyan makanannya, yah ga bisa apa2 deh.

Intinya punya anak harus SABAR, KREATIF dan BANYAK BERTANYA jadi kalo masakan yang udah susah susah kita buat dilempar ke ujung ruangan yah harus sabar dan cari jalan lain supaya dia mau makan, ntah dinyanyiin, diajak bercanda, atau dikasih makanan lain. Kalo mentok, tanya2 deh sama temen yang udah pengalaman atau reserach di buku dan forum di internet.

Gue yakin semua orang yang udah dikasih berkat Tuhan untuk punya anak dengan sendirinya akan belajar dan bisa merawat anak yang dipercayakan Tuhan kepadanya. It's a learning by doing thing. Moga-moga gue bisa memberikan yang terbaik buat anak gue. Amin.

Bisa Karena Biasa

Banyak orang bilang kalo punya bayi itu susah, yang sering jadi alesan utama ya karena bayi masih bangun tiap 2-3 jam sekali. begitu pula di malam hari. Yang menarik buat gue adalah topik pembicaraan gue dan salah satu temen anak design trisakti gue, Ina. Kita engga pernah ngerasa hal ini adalah sebagai beban... ternyata karena kita adalah designer yang sudah terbiasa begadang semasa kuliah dulu buat nyelesaiin arts project dan lanjut kuliah di pagi hari. Hahaha... interesting fact.

Tapi kalo udah anak kedua, lain ceritanya kali yaaa... soalnya kalo anak masih satu, sewaktu dia tidur, kita bisa ikutan tidur. tapi kalau 2 anak, pada waktu pagi hari si anak sulung sudah bangun dan perlu diurusin sementara mamanya agak-agak teler karena masih begadangan ngurusin adiknya. Waaah... bakalan kurang tidur terus tuh.

Gue sama Arie udah mikir-mikir, gimana kalau ngasih Nicole adik tahun ini. Apakah kita siap? apakah Nicole sudah siap?

Pertanyaan yang sulit didapat jawabannya karena banyak pro dan kontra.

Akhirnya Arie berkesimpulan, kalau Nicole udah sukses nyapih dan mulai bisa tidur sendiri, itu artinya kita bertiga sudah siap.

Jadi itulah pr kita berdua... ntah kapan gue siap nyapih dia... hahaha...